the reason i hate walks/runs/athletic events for a "cause"

so i know this is probably a horribly unpopular opinion to have cause so many people are touched by all the efforts and energies put into such events, but walks and runs and various sports events for causes are completely retarded. and by that I mean they're pointless. Yes, they raise money, and yes they grow "awareness" of aids/cancer/restless leg syndrome and yes they make all the participants feel all warm and fuzzy for giving their time walking/running/playing in a uber boring softball game. BUT wouldn't all that time energy and money be put to a better use by actually helping people afflicted with aids/cancer/restless leg syndrome? like, i dunno, doing their laundry, cleaning their houses, driving them to their doctors appointments? so instead of raising money to run around a track like high school PE students, how about doing something useful. have you ever met anyone undergoing cancer treatment? they're tired, exhausted. and they get nauseous, shouldn't be driving. maybe you don't like the idea of hanging out with sick people, i understand, they're all pathetic and sickly, but when you've got the flu do you wanna wonder through a grocery store for an hour? how about raising money for their groceries and then delivering to their kitchens. or going a step further and making them meals they can easily heat up. but if you're so attached to walking, what about walking their dogs? i'm sure those poor pups don't get out as much as they did before their humans had to visit the hospital every other day.

ugh.

just gimme a break with your walks and your runs and boring softball games.

A night for peasant.

The evening was barely evening and already it had felt like hours that I had been on the couch. Sitting alone. Watching nothing inparticular on tv alone. Snacking on chilly carrots made unhealthy by thick dollops of ranch alone. Talking to the cat was starting to feel like a good idea, if only to not be alone for a moment longer. But the cat wouldn't talk back, at least not in any tounge I understand. So I remained alone. Petting the cat alone. It was cold in the apartment. I should have turned the ac down, I'm not the one that likes it so cold. But wrapping up in a blanket felt less alone. So I snuggled in my olive green throw on the couch watching an old cold war spy movie eating carrots petting a purring kitty alone.

Now it has finally reached night and I'm laying in bed alone. My legs free to sprawl across without bumping into your legs. You're not here to steal back the covers I've tangled up onto my side. My laptop quietly plays soft music that would keep you awake. But you're not here to be kept awake. I listen to bittersweet stories of lost love alone. But they make no mention of this, love attained but distanced. To love and to be loved and to be alone. I find it unacceptable that I feel alone only because I am not. I know what your touch is and not having it makes my skin ache. I need your lips because my lips know their feel. Hearing your breath as you sleep is more soothing than any delicately strummed string instrument.

But such sounds are soothing none the less and to sleep I am ascending, where my dreams I shall be not alone but laying next to you resting peacefully on your chest.


- Posted on the go, with help from stuff & bunnies.

Mix Tape - For the Captain, With Love

From the top:

Girls And Boys In Love (David E Sugar's Shameless Mix) by Rumble Strips

Sugar, Sugar by The Archies

Bad Fever by The Astroids Galaxy Tour

Starlight by Muse

Queen of the World by Ida Maria

Song Away From You by Army of Freshmen

Eight Days A Week by The Beatles

Quit Your Life by MxPx

Body by Thao with The Get Down Stay Down

Just Like Heaven by The Cure

On The Sly by Metric

If I Had A Million Dollars by Barenaked Ladies

Seaside by The Kooks

You Are Mine by Mute Math

Behave! by Frightened Rabbit

Fake Empire by The National

Winter '05 by Ra Ra Riot

Part One by Band Of Horses

Islands by The xx

Last Winter by Fergus Brown

No One's Gonna Love You by Band Of Horses

The World Is New by Save Ferris

Not enough.

So the douche that killed Dallas was sentenced today. He only got 9 years in prison. 5 if he's on good behavior... It doesn't seem like enough. Dallas was such a vibrant, fun person that was so full of life and he cared so much about other people. To be killed by a drunk ass man who just left him there... I mean, the dude fled the country to avoid getting caught! That should have a huge punishment in it's self! And yet he only has to serve 5 years for sure....

It's just not enough.

I was hoping that after he was sentenced, I'd feel some sort of relief. I was hoping my heart would feel a little bit lighter. But instead, I feel empty and heart broken again. It's not fair. It's easy to be angry and wish horrible things would happen to that man. And believe me, I'm really wishing right now. But it's not going to fix anything. So my heart is heavy and there are tears in my eyes from the anger and disappointment I feel.

The US justice system has failed again. The man is a murderer. He stole someone's life. A life that would have been full of love and happiness and family and friends. My heart hurts all over again from the injustice.

But the injustice isn't as bad as it could be. At least the man is losing years from his life. He won't get to see his kids graduate from high school or be able to teach them how to drive. I take comfort in the fact that he'll miss a lot. But it's nothing compared to what Dallas' family will miss. What his friends will miss.

My heart is breaking all over again. It's just not enough. I don't feel relieved. I'm not happy. I don't feel like anything was won. We still lose, no matter what the situation is. Not only do we lose, but the world loses.

No matter what, it's just not enough.

RIP Ryan Dallas Cook. I love you.

Miss you.

Have you ever noticed the power of the words, "I miss you"? Yes they make you feel special that your friends care about you and that they miss you but they also have a potentially negative effect. Saying "I miss you" is like saying, "I'm hungry". As soon as you say it, it becomes more real. Suddenly, you keep thinking about it and can't stop. It feeds a monster inside and it refuses to be ignored. When you're hungry and you say, "I want In N Out," suddenly, all you want is In N Out! Nothing else will do. It's like that with "I miss you" for me. I say it and then suddenly, I really really miss you! It gets worse and worse the more I say it. It doesn't mean I'm going to stop saying it, because I mean it. It just makes it harder and makes it more potent and valid.

So basically, I miss you.

I've always thought some things were the same regardless of where you are. This is not true. I need to find that place that is accepting... I need to go back to that place, rather. I know where it is, I thought it would be here, too. I was wrong... and it makes me sad. Part of me thinks I can handle it. But the part that it matters to can't breathe. I've been myself for so long, it hurts to cut part of it off. Maybe somewhere else exists that is perfect... maybe I can find another true home... maybe I'm just not looking in the right places... maybe this is all just a dream and it's turning to a nightmare... this is such a whirlwind to be hit with. a hurricane. in South Florida. I want back to the left coast.

apologies for the vagueness

searched

I can only think that some day this will feel normal, but I don't know if I want that day to come. Tension brings friction and friction brings static and static brings sparks. Sparks start fires and I'm a true pyro. But my breath is short and my chest is beating loudly. Air seems to hold more than oxygen and nitrogen, something that makes my head spin. Dazed and confused. But not confused. Determined to complete two contradictory goals, to succeed while failing and fail at success. Is success so important? Is it more important than freedom failure brings... or is this all just a day dream.