Six

Tomorrow I will start packing again. It will be the sixth time since we left the west coast. The home I still think of as home. The home I compare our new homes against, and subsequently find our new homes lacking. Six times have I constructed boxes and filled them with my ever changing wardrobe. Six times have I sworn to give up my habit of shopping. Unfortunately my habit is also my therapy. To relieve the desire to shop, I can only shop. It is not purely fact, there are other methods to quell my fabriced soul...but none so readily available nor so familiar as a well stocked sale rack of shoes, size 8. And so for the sixth time I will tape over my possessions with hope of a large closet. Hopes of new friends, new favorite eateries, new tree-lined streets to welcome us for evening strolls. Hopes of a new home.

We've been gone longer than the calendar shows. Traveled farther than the miles underfoot. We still have so much ahead. and I am overwhelmed.

When we are together it is as though I am alone. You are such to me that you are always with me. When you are in a different place, my mind copies your voice and says the things you would say. When you are next to me there is no change to me, it is only for the rest of the world to see you are here. Because when you are here, I am myself. And when you are not here, I am us.


- Posted on the go, with help from stuff & bunnies.

two worlds

The ground is covered white
walking on water is common among these trees
silence seems to make a sound
and we could listen forever

these trees sway like dancers in the forest
we dance along
these trees dance like they are alive
and our hearts beat loud
our hearts beat louder

the sky is covered white
clouds bringing soft shade to cover hot sands
crashing waves are so peaceful
and we could listen forever

these shells hide like buried treasure
we hide along
these shells hide like they are precious
and our eyes grow wide
our eyes grow wider

To do list.

I've got that feeling again. The feeling you get when you need to make a change in your life. I usually always have it to some degree but right now, the feeling is very very strong.

Things to do this year.

• Meet a goal weight of 135. It's only 15lbs lighter than I am now. It should be do-able. Maintaining it will be the difficult part.
• Start jogging. It will help me meet my goal weight.
• Start making an effort to look nice. I'm always too lazy in the morning to do make-up, hair and wear nice clothes. Thats why I live in jeans and tee-shirts. This must be fixed.
• Stop being so lazy. There's no reason to be as lazy as I am. It's just laziness that makes me lazy.
• No cutting my hair. Like, ever again. I want my hair to be long and healthy and beautiful. No more short hair for this girl. No more giving in to the urge to have a mohawk. I do not look cute like that.
• Go out more. This will be helped by a new lack of laziness.
• Make more friends. So I have lots of people to go out with.
• Dance dance dance. This is already in motion and it feels really really good.
• Don't spend so much time at my parents' house. It makes me depressed.
• Meet the man of my dreams. I will have met him by the end of 2010. I'm hoping to make this a reality sooner rather than later. If only things didn't keep getting in the way...
• Do 50 push-ups a day. I need higher, firmer boobies and some sexy arms.

More will be added to this list. But it's a good one so far. Hopefully I'll be able to check some of these off soon. I really want to look good and feel better. I'm tired of being a lonely, mopey slob. It needs to change. I need to change.

Depressing. Don't read.

I'm losing faith so quickly these days. I'm losing faith in my family. I'm losing faith in my friends. I've lost the belief in love or happiness. If they exist in the world, they don't exist in my life. I haven't felt this alone in a very long time. I feel alone when I'm with my family because they make me feel like such an outcast a lot of the time. Either that or they're pressuring me so much to do things I don't want to do, that I want to scream. I feel so stuck in a life that I'm miserable in. I've realized how very little friends I have anymore and the ones I do have, I never see. Now, without my phone, I'm completely cut off from the few friends I have left and it's making everything so much worse. It makes the loneliness hurt so much more.

I'm always in such a bad mood. I keep trying so hard to grab onto things that will make me happy and then they get ripped out from under me. It's just not fair. Don't I deserve a little bit of happiness? Don't I deserve a damn break once in a while?

I feel like I'm always on the verge of tears. I have yet to cry though. Not even when I'm alone. That's how far gone I am. I can't even cry. Oh well though, because I hate crying.

I've come to the realization that I'm destined to be alone. I've been alone for a good portion of my life and I'll probably be alone for the rest of it too. There's no stopping it. No matter what. I need to learn to be content with the loneliness. I need to realize that I've always been the invisible girl and that's exactly how I'm going to stay. I'm done trying. It gets me no where. They just congratulate the next person and see right past me every single time.

I will forever be lonely, even in a room full of people because those people will never even see that I'm there.

Sunny

Today is perfect. I know you prefer clouds to clear, but the sky was so blue it would put a smile on even your face. And though that face is porcelain, I have SPF to protect it. The calm breeze softly conteracts the bright rays, making the sand touchable. We would be making fun of silly midwesterners on vacation taking pictures of themselves in front of the rippling ocean waves. We would listen to a shared ipod while sharing a picnic of random snacks and sunny d. We would be happy. but you're under clouds surrounded by thunder and rain. I'm here, surrounded by tourists and seashells. Drinking my sunny d alone.


- Posted on the go, with help from stuff & bunnies.