Thursday, December 10, 2009

Mix Tape - For the Captain, With Love

From the top:

Girls And Boys In Love (David E Sugar's Shameless Mix) by Rumble Strips
Sugar, Sugar by The Archies
Bad Fever by The Astroids Galaxy Tour
Starlight by Muse
Queen of the World by Ida Maria
Song Away From You by Army of Freshmen
Eight Days A Week by The Beatles
Quit Your Life by MxPx
Body by Thao with The Get Down Stay Down
Just Like Heaven by The Cure
On The Sly by Metric
If I Had A Million Dollars by Barenaked Ladies
Seaside by The Kooks
You Are Mine by Mute Math
Behave! by Frightened Rabbit
Fake Empire by The National
Winter '05 by Ra Ra Riot
Part One by Band Of Horses
Islands by The xx
Last Winter by Fergus Brown
No One's Gonna Love You by Band Of Horses
The World Is New by Save Ferris

Monday, December 7, 2009

Not enough.

So the douche that killed Dallas was sentenced today. He only got 9 years in prison. 5 if he's on good behavior... It doesn't seem like enough. Dallas was such a vibrant, fun person that was so full of life and he cared so much about other people. To be killed by a drunk ass man who just left him there... I mean, the dude fled the country to avoid getting caught! That should have a huge punishment in it's self! And yet he only has to serve 5 years for sure....

It's just not enough.

I was hoping that after he was sentenced, I'd feel some sort of relief. I was hoping my heart would feel a little bit lighter. But instead, I feel empty and heart broken again. It's not fair. It's easy to be angry and wish horrible things would happen to that man. And believe me, I'm really wishing right now. But it's not going to fix anything. So my heart is heavy and there are tears in my eyes from the anger and disappointment I feel.

The US justice system has failed again. The man is a murderer. He stole someone's life. A life that would have been full of love and happiness and family and friends. My heart hurts all over again from the injustice.

But the injustice isn't as bad as it could be. At least the man is losing years from his life. He won't get to see his kids graduate from high school or be able to teach them how to drive. I take comfort in the fact that he'll miss a lot. But it's nothing compared to what Dallas' family will miss. What his friends will miss.

My heart is breaking all over again. It's just not enough. I don't feel relieved. I'm not happy. I don't feel like anything was won. We still lose, no matter what the situation is. Not only do we lose, but the world loses.

No matter what, it's just not enough.

RIP Ryan Dallas Cook. I love you.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Miss you.

Have you ever noticed the power of the words, "I miss you"? Yes they make you feel special that your friends care about you and that they miss you but they also have a potentially negative effect. Saying "I miss you" is like saying, "I'm hungry". As soon as you say it, it becomes more real. Suddenly, you keep thinking about it and can't stop. It feeds a monster inside and it refuses to be ignored. When you're hungry and you say, "I want In N Out," suddenly, all you want is In N Out! Nothing else will do. It's like that with "I miss you" for me. I say it and then suddenly, I really really miss you! It gets worse and worse the more I say it. It doesn't mean I'm going to stop saying it, because I mean it. It just makes it harder and makes it more potent and valid.

So basically, I miss you.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I've always thought some things were the same regardless of where you are. This is not true. I need to find that place that is accepting... I need to go back to that place, rather. I know where it is, I thought it would be here, too. I was wrong... and it makes me sad. Part of me thinks I can handle it. But the part that it matters to can't breathe. I've been myself for so long, it hurts to cut part of it off. Maybe somewhere else exists that is perfect... maybe I can find another true home... maybe I'm just not looking in the right places... maybe this is all just a dream and it's turning to a nightmare... this is such a whirlwind to be hit with. a hurricane. in South Florida. I want back to the left coast.

apologies for the vagueness