Wednesday, January 27, 2010

To do list.

I've got that feeling again. The feeling you get when you need to make a change in your life. I usually always have it to some degree but right now, the feeling is very very strong.

Things to do this year.

  • Meet a goal weight of 135. It's only 15lbs lighter than I am now. It should be do-able. Maintaining it will be the difficult part.
  • Start jogging. It will help me meet my goal weight.
  • Start making an effort to look nice. I'm always too lazy in the morning to do make-up, hair and wear nice clothes. Thats why I live in jeans and tee-shirts. This must be fixed.
  • Stop being so lazy. There's no reason to be as lazy as I am. It's just laziness that makes me lazy.
  • No cutting my hair. Like, ever again. I want my hair to be long and healthy and beautiful. No more short hair for this girl. No more giving in to the urge to have a mohawk. I do not look cute like that.
  • Go out more. This will be helped by a new lack of laziness.
  • Make more friends. So I have lots of people to go out with.
  • Dance dance dance. This is already in motion and it feels really really good.
  • Don't spend so much time at my parents' house. It makes me depressed.
  • Meet the man of my dreams. I will have met him by the end of 2010. I'm hoping to make this a reality sooner rather than later. If only things didn't keep getting in the way...
  • Do 50 push-ups a day. I need higher, firmer boobies and some sexy arms.

More will be added to this list. But it's a good one so far. Hopefully I'll be able to check some of these off soon. I really want to look good and feel better. I'm tired of being a lonely, mopey slob. It needs to change. I need to change.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Depressing. Don't read.

I'm losing faith so quickly these days. I'm losing faith in my family. I'm losing faith in my friends. I've lost the belief in love or happiness. If they exist in the world, they don't exist in my life. I haven't felt this alone in a very long time. I feel alone when I'm with my family because they make me feel like such an outcast a lot of the time. Either that or they're pressuring me so much to do things I don't want to do, that I want to scream. I feel so stuck in a life that I'm miserable in. I've realized how very little friends I have anymore and the ones I do have, I never see. Now, without my phone, I'm completely cut off from the few friends I have left and it's making everything so much worse. It makes the loneliness hurt so much more.

I'm always in such a bad mood. I keep trying so hard to grab onto things that will make me happy and then they get ripped out from under me. It's just not fair. Don't I deserve a little bit of happiness? Don't I deserve a damn break once in a while?

I feel like I'm always on the verge of tears. I have yet to cry though. Not even when I'm alone. That's how far gone I am. I can't even cry. Oh well though, because I hate crying.

I've come to the realization that I'm destined to be alone. I've been alone for a good portion of my life and I'll probably be alone for the rest of it too. There's no stopping it. No matter what. I need to learn to be content with the loneliness. I need to realize that I've always been the invisible girl and that's exactly how I'm going to stay. I'm done trying. It gets me no where. They just congratulate the next person and see right past me every single time.

I will forever be lonely, even in a room full of people because those people will never even see that I'm there.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Today is perfect. I know you prefer clouds to clear, but the sky was so blue it would put a smile on even your face. And though that face is porcelain, I have SPF to protect it. The calm breeze softly conteracts the bright rays, making the sand touchable. We would be making fun of silly midwesterners on vacation taking pictures of themselves in front of the rippling ocean waves. We would listen to a shared ipod while sharing a picnic of random snacks and sunny d. We would be happy. but you're under clouds surrounded by thunder and rain. I'm here, surrounded by tourists and seashells. Drinking my sunny d alone.

- Posted on the go, with help from stuff & bunnies.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

some times i think i'm never going to be happy with anything. i live three blocks, three friendly happy vacation like blocks to the beach. and yet, i anticipate our next move. i blame the unsettled feelings on the lack of new friends, the yearning for old ones, the inability to find a proper hamburger. but it's simply that i want more. i always want more, and when i've found enough i need more of what i've found.

i don't think this is a bad thing, but i will never settle, and i will always want more.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

the reason i hate walks/runs/athletic events for a "cause"

so i know this is probably a horribly unpopular opinion to have cause so many people are touched by all the efforts and energies put into such events, but walks and runs and various sports events for causes are completely retarded. and by that I mean they're pointless. Yes, they raise money, and yes they grow "awareness" of aids/cancer/restless leg syndrome and yes they make all the participants feel all warm and fuzzy for giving their time walking/running/playing in a uber boring softball game. BUT wouldn't all that time energy and money be put to a better use by actually helping people afflicted with aids/cancer/restless leg syndrome? like, i dunno, doing their laundry, cleaning their houses, driving them to their doctors appointments? so instead of raising money to run around a track like high school PE students, how about doing something useful. have you ever met anyone undergoing cancer treatment? they're tired, exhausted. and they get nauseous, shouldn't be driving. maybe you don't like the idea of hanging out with sick people, i understand, they're all pathetic and sickly, but when you've got the flu do you wanna wonder through a grocery store for an hour? how about raising money for their groceries and then delivering to their kitchens. or going a step further and making them meals they can easily heat up. but if you're so attached to walking, what about walking their dogs? i'm sure those poor pups don't get out as much as they did before their humans had to visit the hospital every other day.


just gimme a break with your walks and your runs and boring softball games.

Friday, January 1, 2010

A night for peasant.

The evening was barely evening and already it had felt like hours that I had been on the couch. Sitting alone. Watching nothing inparticular on tv alone. Snacking on chilly carrots made unhealthy by thick dollops of ranch alone. Talking to the cat was starting to feel like a good idea, if only to not be alone for a moment longer. But the cat wouldn't talk back, at least not in any tounge I understand. So I remained alone. Petting the cat alone. It was cold in the apartment. I should have turned the ac down, I'm not the one that likes it so cold. But wrapping up in a blanket felt less alone. So I snuggled in my olive green throw on the couch watching an old cold war spy movie eating carrots petting a purring kitty alone.

Now it has finally reached night and I'm laying in bed alone. My legs free to sprawl across without bumping into your legs. You're not here to steal back the covers I've tangled up onto my side. My laptop quietly plays soft music that would keep you awake. But you're not here to be kept awake. I listen to bittersweet stories of lost love alone. But they make no mention of this, love attained but distanced. To love and to be loved and to be alone. I find it unacceptable that I feel alone only because I am not. I know what your touch is and not having it makes my skin ache. I need your lips because my lips know their feel. Hearing your breath as you sleep is more soothing than any delicately strummed string instrument.

But such sounds are soothing none the less and to sleep I am ascending, where my dreams I shall be not alone but laying next to you resting peacefully on your chest.

- Posted on the go, with help from stuff & bunnies.